my heartbeats will lead me back to you
by jadeddiva
Summary: Hook would travel to the ends of the earth, cross realms and battle demons for her sake. But he wants her happy above all else, even if that isn't here in his realm with him. Hook, between 3X11 and 3x12.


I blame Gorecki's 'Lamb' for everything. Seriously. This is the worst.

_All I've known_

_All I've done_

_All I've felt is leading to this_

**my heartbeats will lead me back you**

The Enchanted Forest is cold when Hook returns.

He can see his breath in the air in front of him, eyes adjusting to the bright sunlight (it seems as if it was always so overcast in Storybrooke). There are royals on all sides of him and he bristles. Here, in the Enchanted Forest, his place is clear. He is a brigand and a thief, a mutineer and a pirate and these are the people that will make sure that he pays for his crimes. Here, where title and bloodline matter, he is nobody.

He wonders if perhaps that's all he's ever been, even if the brief moments of heroisms in Neverland and Storybrooke were just that – moments that pass in the blink of an eye.

Thinking of Neverland means that he's thinking about _her_ again, means that he's breathing in deep breaths of regret and failure and he's _lost_ because she's not here.

Everyone he loves is always taken from him, so he shouldn't be surprised that he would lose Emma.

He tries not to think that about the fact that she was never his to lose.

...

He is given a horse and allowed to return to his ship, which has been spotted in a nearby harbor. As David – no, Prince Charming now – hands him the reigns, he smiles at the pirate.

"Don't be a stranger," he tells Hook. The words provide some relief – Hook has come to find the Prince's company better than his own, and the thought of being alone on the _Jolly Roger_ is slightly terrifying to him.

"No promises, mate – you know the life of a pirate," Hook replies with a weak smile.

His first night aboard his ship is the worst. Her ghost is everywhere, in the hold and at the wheel, in the air around him in his quarters. Not for the first time, the space feels too confining so he escapes to the top, to the deck, and stares off into the quiet of the night.

He had forgotten how quiet this realm is, without any of the modern technology that Emma's realm takes for granted. It's so quiet he can hear the crickets in the forest nearby.

He reaches for his flask and remembers her yet again, but when he takes a sip he tries to focus on good memories. The way that she smiled at him. The way that she was always so stubborn and reckless and headstrong and so very brilliant. The way that her lips felt against his.

He licks his lips and puts down the flask. He's already drowned his demons in the drink wants to remember her – honor her – better than he ever did Milah.

In the end, he finds his way back to the Summer Palace, where Snow White and Charming live.

The Prince acts surprised to see him, but Hook knows he probably expected it.

...

Hook throws himself into helping in any way that he can. He tells himself this is the best way to honor Emma's memory and the change she's made in him. He tells himself that living for her is better than pining after her.

It works, most of the time.

There are still the dark, solitary moments when he wants nothing more than just to see her face or to reach for her, before he remembers that not only is she lost to him forever, but she was never truly his to begin with.

It is in helping in her kingdom that he can keep himself sane.

...

They linger together, a motley crew, united in their feeling of loss. Emma is heavy in their hearts, and even when the princess announces that she is once again pregnant, there is a heaviness in the air that makes things unbearable for him. Even Snow White, usually so lovely and fair, looks burdened by the fact that this child she carries cannot replace the one that she has lost.

Charming tells him as much as they ride out to check the borders. There is a threat in the east, or so the fairies are telling them, and while they cannot see the evil they can feel it growing in their bones.

"She misses Emma," Charming tells him, leaning forward in his saddle.

"We all do, mate." Hook shifts, uncertain of when he became the Prince's confidant, but it's good to be able to talk about Emma with someone. He does not speak of her in front of the princess, only Charming, and the other man practically has to drag the words from him most of the time.

"I think she'd be surprised to think that people loved her so much," Charming ventures, and Hook nods.

"Perhaps we honor her by caring as we do." He didn't know her nearly as well as her parents in some ways, and yet better in others, and she lingers like a gaping hole inside of all of them.

Hook sometimes wonders if Charming wants to hear what he has to say about his daughter, but the prince doesn't seem to mind. Perhaps it eases his soul to hear how important she was to everyone, to know that his offspring was a Savior in so many different ways to so many different people.

It eases Hook's soul to think of all the ways that she saved him.

He wishes he could thank her for it and tries to ignore the fact that he can't.

...

Some days, Emma is the first thing he thinks of.

He blames the rising sun and the way that it streaks gold across the sky for reminding him of her hair.

Some days, he thinks of Emma when he is mid-ride, allowing his horse to carry him as fast as the wind, as fast as his ship, now dry-docked, once did (her ghost is everywhere, in the hold and at the wheel, in the air around him in his quarters).

He blames the evergreen trees in the forest for reminding him of her eyes.

Some days, he thinks of her when he sees her mother and father and all those that she saved.

He blames the stubborn set of Snow's shoulders or the determination of her father, the sadness in Regina's eyes and the look of loss in Belle's.

Some days, she is all he can think about, memory lingering in her lips and the taste of her.

He blames his cursed thoughts.

Some days, he thinks she is beside him, always just outside of view, covering his left side or his right as they head to the east on patrol.

She never is.

He blames his heart for exposing his deepest desires.

...

"We need Emma back," Regina says.

Hook raises his eyebrows, hand on his belt. "And you need me because..."

"Because you love her," Snow says firmly.

"Because you can find her," Charming adds.

"Because you can cross realms in that ship of yours," Regina points out with an eye roll. "And because you love her."

He blinks, startled by their words. He knows he loves her, he has suspected that Charming knows as well, but to hear the others – he wonders how obvious he's been as he pines for her.

"You have mermaids," he tells Regina. "You can go claim her yourself."

"But she needs to remember," the queen presses, "and we have no idea where she is now. Who better to find her than the man who so desperately loves her?"

This hits home, the fact that he is desperately in love with her, but he cannot argue with this insight. Hook would travel to the ends of the earth, cross realms and battle demons for her sake.

But he wants her happy above all else, even if that isn't here in his realm with him.

"What if she's happy with her son?" Hook asks. Regina falters and Snow jumps in, "she'll be happier here with us."

"Hook," Charming says, "we all want Emma to be happy, and it pains us that she's not here with us, but we cannot ignore the fact that the only way to save our realm is with her help." He levels his gaze at the pirate. "I know it's selfish of us to ask that much of her, but – "

"She'd want to help," Hook finishes. "She's the Savior."

The fairies give him pixie dust for his ship, and Regina the compass that brought him to Emma's land to begin with. She also gives him a small satchel filled with currency that must be from the other realm.

"Bring them home, Captain Jones," Regina commands.

He nods.

He will do his best.

...

Pixie dust gets him to the coast of some town, where he is able to leave his ship alongside others. He finds out that he is in a popular destination for visitors, and so his outfit is seen as a costume and he is able to mingle with the townspeople for a bit, gather his wits, and prepare to venture west, where the compass leads him.

It takes him some time on various vessels that he is unfamiliar with, but he soon arrives in a land of intense heat and strange foliage. Phoenix, he is told, but the needle of the compass spins and commands him to return east.

It is some time before Hook realizes the compass is taking him on Emma's journey with Henry, from his birthplace to her eventual home.

His heart swells at the thought that he may see her again, even if he is about to wake her from her pleasant dream. He is like a man drowning, greedy with the thought of air, or a man lost in a desert who only desires a meager ration of water. He needs her in his bones, needs her to survive, and the thought makes him wonder if this is True Love.

He rations the money, lives on food that is familiar to him, gets used to the strange looks he receives wearing the leather coat (though there are some who compliment his fashion taste, which he appreciates very much). Hook's mind is focused solely on one thought.

Emma.

Her name courses through his veins as he returns to the city where he attempted to slay the crocodile. The compass leads him to what he now knows is an apartment building, where many families live. He waits for someone to grant him passage into the stairs, which he takes two-at-a time, the thought of seeing her again giving him strength.

And when he raises his hand to knock, he feels hope like he's never felt before.

Her name courses through his veins and into his heart, fueling its beats. _Emma Emma Emma..._

He knocks.


End file.
